Tuesday, March 30, 2010

LA Derby Dolls

First off- Derby Dolls Hadley gives you mad props. Hadley doesn't want any trouble with you. Hadley thinks you are 2X times cooler, stronger and hipper than she is and is pretty sure you are better in bed than she will ever be.

Seriously. Please don't be mad.

I'm talking to you Fleetwood Smack~ I saw the way you body slammed Queen Elizadeath II and was amazed by your huge cheering section, so please don't bring them to my apartment. Because what I am going to say about my experience has nothing to do with y'alls fierce athleticism and fabulous burlesque meets street fighter attire.

It has to do with your actual sport. I found your sport kind of....boring. The pomp and the pageantry was fun((I appreciate you girl with face painted like a lizard) but the actual match was... Four quarters of y'all skating around a tilted track and occasionally running into each other. It was like NASCAR in fishnets. Even after I read the rules of the game it was still kind of blah. A woman from each team called the jammer earns points by skating past as many blockers(four on a team) from the other team as possible in 60 second matches. OK. Next....

Plus we had to stand the whole time. I am a tired waitress and have to stand enough in regular life so I prefer sitting on my butt when watching others exert themselves physically. And since I am a waitress I could not afford the VIP tix that allowed me to sit with all your rabid fans who were very entertaining and may have helped me enjoy the game more. Also the neighborhood your arena is in is SKETCHY and we had to wait in line forever to pick up our will call tix and the match started an hour late and you patted down my friend Matt not once but twice and checked Cat and my tiny purses like we had bombs in there.

On the plus side I was really impressed with how serious this sport is and how friendly everyone there was. Going to a Derby Dolls event is stepping into a whole specific culture of women who have found a place where they belong. One gets the feeling that a lot of these women did not have the best high school experience-the coolest adults usually didn't. But here they have earned the right to have well-versed announcers(even if their PA system sucked) groupies, rivalries, a children's league(who skated fearlessly at halftime) an 11 old Britney-Spears-in-the-making singing the Star Spangled Banner and mad skating and blocking skills. One of the jammers named Armed Candy was this tiny blond dynamo who just sailed though girls five times her size as they tripped in heaps behind her.

Plus they had really yummy hot dogs on a stick. I love me some hot dogs on a stick. I'd say go at least once. You might love it(Matt did) or you might end up leaving at halftime like we did, Cat and me kind of underwhelmed and a little disappointed with it all.

Travel: B
Ease: C
Content: B
Subjective Coolness: B-
Overall: A very SOLID B-, like an 83%. It's a very respectable rating Helen Surly Frown, I promise!

Directions: Take the 101-S. Exit at Alvarado St. Turn right at North Alvarado. Take first left onto West Temple. Street parking is available, though there are handmade pink signs up saying "No Event Parking." Just ignore them, those signs are illegal fools. The states not so broke that they have to hand-write parking signs... yet.
Hours: Season schedule- http://derbydolls.com/tickets/
Price:Varies depending on time of day and type of ticket. Refer to website above.

***Sorry about the lack of pics. Cameras are not allowed inside the arena. There are lots of pics on the Derby Dolls website if you are interested!


  1. Hi, Hadley! Just wanted to clear up a misconception about the production. On our flyers and ticket sites we indicate the door time, not the game's starting time. The Doll Factory holds 1700 people and it takes a while to get them all into the building. If we started the game at door time, there'd be a lot of unhappy people in line!

    The first photo in the article is copyright Stalkerazzi [http://www.flickr.com/photos/mcampos/]. I can't find the copyright information for the second, but if you remember where you got it, please contact both photographers for permission to use their work.

    Thanks for coming to the game!

  2. nascar in fishnets!??! ....like only a southern girl could describe.. apparently there's some roller derby girls in Asheville. i must find them!